Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A Rant Against McDonald's

I am not typically nostalgic, nor can it be sad that I normally engage in profanity laden tirades, but something happened earlier tonight that had me both nostalgic and really fucking annoyed. SO BE WARNED!!!!!

Let me set the stage. The power went out. Everything in the house is run on electric. Ok, fine, shit happens. I needed to get shirts at the dry cleaners and since I couldn't cook as planned because the stove did not work, I decided McDonald's was a good idea.There were about eight cars in the drive thru and one person in line inside.So, we parked and I got in line. I just happened to get in line behind someone with an extensive order. Fine. I finally place my order, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal. The cashier gives me the receipt,asks my name and tells me my food should be right up.

For those too young to know, McDonald's used to actually be a "fast food restaurant". When I was younger you never stood to the side and waited because McDonald's was sooooooooooooo efficient that they had chutes with the burgers ready to be served as you were placing your order. That's right, CHUTES!!! The only time you had to wait in line is when some fucking douche bag ordered a Filet O Fish, which is why you avoided McDonald's on a Friday during Lent.

Then there's the order itself. Quarter Pounder with Cheese. How sad to order that measly fucking burger. The Big Mac was king. As a kid, getting your first Big Mac was almost a right of passage. And it was great. WAS! Not anymore though. Not since they got rid of the styrofoam container.I don't know the science of styrofoam and why it's superior as a container and I don't care. All I know is that the Big Mac has tasted like cardboard ever since. Eating a Big Mac without the magic of the styrofoam container is like watching a version of "Risky Business" where Rebecca De Mornay never takes off her fucking clothes.

It all began with going to cardboard containers and because it was said that styrofoam was not biodegradable and a danger to "Mother Earth". As far as I'm concerned "Mother Earth" can go fuck herself.
What exactly has "Mother Earth" ever done for us anyway? If the Earth is our mother will someone please call child fucking services already? "Mother Earth" has been engaging in disproportionate responses to human behavior for as long as we can remember, so why not put her out of her misery, suffocating her while chowing down on a Big Mac as nature intended? If  "Gaia" can't survive "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun", then I say good riddance to "Mother Earth".

Then there are the fries. Let's be honest, the fries aren't what they used to be. They used to be saltier, and it was great. They're ok now, but a shadow of their former selves.

Finally, there is another source of irritation. The salads. Just like there's no crying in baseball, there were no salads at McDonald's. So what's wrong with salads? Nothing. They just don't belong at McDonald's. Think about it in a modern context. Have you ever heard anyone utter the statement, "I think I'll go get me a salad at "Five Guys"? So, why are they at fucking McDonald's? If as so many people think at present we are living in an age of American decline we must surely entertain the view that it was accelerated on the day salads first appeared on the menu at McDonald's. Salads! Fucking salads.

I don't know how long I was standing there but I was not happy. It sucks to be nostalgic, but damn it I want a Big Mac in a "Mother Earth" destroying chloro fluoro carbon laden Styrofoam container.Screw the Earth, I want a real Big Mac,saltier fries and yes hold the salad.  

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